I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
