I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
