Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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