how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
