I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize