she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
