I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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