im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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