she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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