Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Randomize
