Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
