I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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