A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
