Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
