pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
