oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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