I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize