You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
