i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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