Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
