i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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