Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
