I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
