im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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