Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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