What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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