My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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