I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The feeling are messing with the penis
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize