Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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