First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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