Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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