my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
