So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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