My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
