we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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