There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
