It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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