my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
