I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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