her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
