carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
