Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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