Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
