farters have to be the big spoon...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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