Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
