I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I need a burrito and a hug.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
