I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
