To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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