i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize