It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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