Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
