I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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