my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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