Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
