sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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