Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
